When Love Feels Like a DIY Project: The Fixer-Upper Dilemma
Geplaatst op 07-01-2025
Categorie: Lifestyle
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Even the most cynical of us have been swept away by someone we shouldn’t have even bothered with. Perhaps the hardest to avoid is the fixer-upper. Somewhere, deep down in our beings, we want to help others (whether we give into that nature or not is another story). When you combine that need with physical attraction, you have a recipe for disaster. Fixer-uppers appeal to this need to care for and protect others, and you can quickly grow attached to their neediness because it makes you feel important. But ultimately, getting involved with a fixer-upper can only lead to misery.
Contrary to popular belief, fixer-uppers are not simply people with issues. We all have issues, every last one of us. We’re all trying to figure out how to live our lifes better, overcoming past relationships, and dealing with unresolved childhood issues. In that way, fixer-uppers and the rest of us are very much alike. What makes them different is their approach.
Fixer-uppers believe that life just happens to them. They think they have no control over the cirumstances in which they find themselves and constantly make excuses as to why things aren’t improving. “I just have bad luck.” “It doesn’t matter if I try, it still won’t work out.” “It’s been like this for a while, this is who it’s going to be forever.”
Getting involved with a fixer-upper is seductive; you think you’ll be the one to show them just how wonderful life can be. Life is a wonderful journey and the fixer-upper was clearly just missing someone to point that out. You can be this person, you tell yourself. The fixer-upper has so much potential, filled with talent and intelligence…once you’re able to show them how great life can be, they’ll flourish into everything you want. And then you’ll have the pride of knowing you turned someone’s life around and you end up with a wonderful person. What a great deal!
The problem is that fixer-uppers won’t change because of you; at least, not while you’re together. Someone who believes life is simply happening to them can’t be convinced by your charms. You may make an impression on him or her by the way you live your life, but ultimately you won’t be the beneficiary of their turnaround. The best you can hope to do is escape without getting in too deep and pray that you made a good enough impression that the fixer-upper will take steps to fix themselves.
What fixer-uppers need is a change in perspective, they need to believe that they do have some control over their life and circumstances. They need to stop making excuses as to why that can’t happen now. And you can’t be the one to tell them that. No one changes unless they a) want to change and b) believe that they can. Fixer-uppers don’t subscribe to either. You may have some fun initially and take solace in being their security blanket, but ultimately the unbalanced relationship this creates will become oppressive to you.
Also, if you meet someone and think right away that they may be a fixer-upper, chances are that they’re not. Fixer-uppers tend to be more subtle because they believe their plight is their own and no one else can understand, so why share details with you? The details slowly start to reveal themselves as you spend more time together. Those who reveal a bout with depression, or an alcoholic parent, or a bad past relationship at the onset are most likely not fixer-uppers. They’re trying to be open about the issues they are addressing, which indicates that they issues are being addressed. Again, we all have issues we’re dealing with, and someone being open about them usually means that they want to put their cards on the table so they can have an honest relationship with you.
So beware the fixer-upper, you may think you can change them and turn them into a more wonderful person, but you’re wrong. Fixer-uppers may be fun for a short amount of time, but long-term is not in the cards. Also, be careful not to label someone as a fixer-upper early on because they may just be open and honest. Remember, we all have issues, it’s the way that we deal with them that determines the difference between a fixer-upper and everyone else.